WPCNR’S The Real Deal By The Wedding Jeannie, Jeannie Uyanik of Cap and Gown Weddings. The Mother’s Day Column May 10, 2008:
I have an almost two-year old son. He does not sleep, never stops moving, and more often than not, unlike my friends with little girls, needs to be constantly entertained. I am told though that while the first few years with a boy are harder, I will be laughing through the teenage years and wedding planning while those with girls struggle. While I am far from knowledgeable about children and teenagers, I can impart wisdom about mothers and daughters during the wedding planning process; from what I see and have learned personally, it might just rival moments with a teenager and for many of the same reasons.
Much like turning 13, planning a wedding is a milestone in a woman’s life. She needs the support and love of her mother, but has her own ideas about what to do and how. While the everyday guidance of a mother to a bride is not as essential as it might be for a teenager, the approval and tacit support is, even in just the assurance that disapproval is not soon coming. Hopefully this column will serve to provide a backbone of a few do’s and don’ts because at the end of the day, a mother/daughter relationship is more important than any venue, florist, caterer or schedule.
A few key rules:
1) Remember how much you love each other; clearly, neither the bride nor the mother of the bride says or does things to intentionally irritate the other. On the contrary, I am sure that each side would be thrilled if everyone could just get along. So keep in perspective that just because you disagree does not mean that changes the level of love and respect that you have for each other, or that you are trying to hurt the other person.
Why would any mother want to see her daughter unhappy? Remember, they might just think that they know better; on the flip side, why wouldn’t a bride want her mother to love everything that she is doing? There are probably no bad intentions, just a lot of bad discussions.
2) Embrace the differences; mothers and daughters, even with the closest relationships, will not see eye to eye on everything. As the bride, this is your day, your time to make choices and even mistakes, but don’t let them be relationship changing. Focus on the things that are most important to you, compromise for those that are most important to your mom. But each side has to understand that planning a wedding is less about logistics and décor and more about personalities.
In appreciating how what you want is different from your mother, explain that. In understanding how your daughter is not doing what you think is right, allow her to express herself as long as it’s not putting a strain on the finances and causing family controversy. If you are both clear with each other on why something is important, this will eliminate much of the angst. And, 10 to 1, if you listen to each other and compromise, it will be a better solution in the end. Each of you brings something different to the table.
3) Be sensitive; we tend to forget how much planning a wedding can raise and/or heighten sensitivities on both sides. Take the time to be cautious about the way that issues are discussed. Try not to have conversations about important issues by phone or on the fly; this can exacerbate the feeling that the other side just does not care. Focus on how you feel, why and where you might be willing to compromise.
4) Don’t loose perspective; don’t do something that you will regret forever in the name of one day. And don’t let the smallest details overshadow your relationship. The most important thing to remember during this time is that it’s the celebration of a life changing event and the recognition of that change with all of your friends and family. (N.B. brides, that may probably be why your parents always want to invite more guests than you would prefer; accommodate them in as much as you can, its an important day for everyone).
My own mother in times of crisis or stress is the wisest, calmest person that I have ever known and perhaps that’s why she handled my own screw-up with grace, but it haunts me to this day. As a wedding planner, I had my eye constantly on the schedule the day I got married and suddenly noticed that we were of course running late (its harder to run your own wedding than other peoples).
Unfortunately, this was just as I was about to put on my wedding dress. I told my mother she had to leave right away in order not to be late, just as the dress was about to go on. As my 6 bridesmaids surrounded me, I noticed as she was leaving with tears in her eyes, but she smiled and left saying she loved me. It’s a moment that I remember to this day. I was wrong for the right reasons in theory, but what a waste.
I was so focused on what needed to be done and how, I forgot so seamlessly the importance of what was being done. My mother in an effort to mitigate my stress did not argue or impart that she had been waiting my whole life to help me with my dress, and though I see how wrong I was, had she fought, it probably would have been more stressful. She was and always will be smarter than I am.
My mother continues to be my best friend, even if she did not help me put my dress on, but it’s a moment that I wish I could take back. As you read this, remember my story and if even only once, hold your tongue when you would like not to, smile and laugh when you want to scream and just be mother and daughter instead of mother of the bride and bride; the first will last a lifetime.
Not surprisingly, I have to give all credit of this column to my mother; I was telling her about how hard it can be for mothers and daughters during the planning process these days and she said that I should probably write about it in one of my columns. She did not even realize mother’s day was this weekend. This one is for you mom – Happy Mother’s Day and I love you.
And, thank goodness I have a son.
